Hello Hurricane

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Bane of my existance, really. I don't quite get the difference between planning and chasing. I do a lot of the latter, or I used to. I'm over it though.

I got called for an interview with a luxury magazine. The sad part? I didn't pick up the phone. I was teaching. I called back, but I couldn't get the editor. I called again and I left a message, but he didn't get back to me. I called again the next day and got his e-mail, but hotmail died on me. I'm writing this off as a closed door.

I think I'm supposed to go. I've have mixed feelings about going. I don't know what to feel or what to expect. I just know in my spirit to go. Staying's probably the safer option right now, but all signs are pointing the other way and I just can't ignore it any more. We had devotions today at work and the pastor asked a question that set me thinking - why didn't God want Adam and Eve to have the knowledge of good and evil?

Well, I think it's a trust issue. Do you trust your Father enough to let him decide what's good or evil, or do you want to decide what's good or evil so that you can try to navigate the waters on your own.  I don't need to know the plan to count the cost of what it take to follow God. I just need to trust that my Dad knows what's best for me.

I need to start packing.

A case against standardised testing

I just finished my third IELTS test. In order to get my 8s, I'd need nothing short of a miracle. Fortunately for me, I believe in miracles. Nothing is impossible with my God. I'd like to think the statement covers blotched IELTS tests.

I was going to make a case against standardised testing, if only for a hug or some empathy, but this quote from A. C. Dixon changed my mind. He says, "When we rely on organisation, we get what organisation can do; when we rely on education, we get what education can do; when we rely on eloquence, we get what eloquence can do, and so on. Nor am I disposed to undervalue any of these things in their proper place, but when we rely on prayer, we get what God can do."

My education and eloquence (or perhaps, lack thereof) has afforded me a level of literacy where I can read, write and tete-a-tete with total strangers about everything and nothing at all, but in a test situation,  I'm still a prisoner of time, circumstance and nerves. There are just so many variables working against me, I can't blame them all without sounding completely ignorant.

I may or may not pass the test, but I can pray. And I will pray, unceasingly, because according to A. C. Dixon's theory, if I rely on Eunice, I'll only get what Eunice can do, and by experience, that's not going to be enough. Prayer may or may not change the outcome of the test, but I believe everything works out for the good of those who love God. God saw my results even before I took the test, so if I'm going to be dissapointed, He'll be there to comfort me and sometime soon, it'll all make sense.

I'll be working the rest of the week. Thank God for His providence. It'd be good to take a break from hiding behind the computer and actually meet some people.

My success is not dependent on your failure

The same message's been hitting me over and over the past week. My success is not dependent on your failure. In a meritocratic society, where people are judged on the the basis of what they can bring to the table, it's hard to believe. We strive to break away from the mould. We aim to be the best in our field and we aren't afraid to step all over the competition to achieve our goals. I think it's sick. And for the longest time, I've been sick.

So I will sow my seed in the morning, and at evening let not my hands be idle, for I do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well. My success is not dependent on your failure, but God's grace and favour. I needn't worry if my plans fail and my effort goes to waste, because God is my provider. He is the one that puts the food on my table.

For everything that I have, I'm eternally grateful. For everything good thing that is to come (and there will be plenty, of that I hold You to), I thank You in advance.

Reason to Sing

2 Corinthians 4: 8 to 9 (NIV)
We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.

Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of what who we are and what we have.

Unicorns don't exist because they impractical.

I've been designing a whole lot these days. Brings me all the way back to my teens, when I spend endless hours creating websites, Neopet guild layouts and what not. I guess some things just don't change.

I could never quite pinpoint what makes me tick. My days consist of a mishmash of unrelated events with a few constants. Music's the first. Music's the backdrop to everything I do. A confession - I used to want to be a singer when I grew up. I told my best friend and she laughed at me. Ouch. Now music's my muse. It serves to inspire, to serve and to facilliate. I no longer perceive a career in it, but it'll always be at the back of my head.

Words's the second, only because it's the basis of everything. Every thought, every word, everything. I think in words. Although these days, pictures might have overtaken words as the second constant because I've been driven by greed to design. It takes up easily takes up 70 percent of my day. Some days, I stop only to eat and to bathe. Although I've come to realise that it's not the amount of time I invest into designing that brings in the dough, so I'm trying to approach this qualitatively, instead of quantitatively. Plus, it's affecting my relationship with people and with God, so I'm cutting back.

Anyway, I'm quite keen on pursuing a some kind of qualification that will afford me a career in design. I don't know... It's always been at the back of my head, I keep putting it off for lesser, more "practical" option. Gosh, I hate that word. Unicorns don't exist because they impractical.

What to do? I've got a good mind to apply to Central St Martins and see if they want me. I'll think about it.

Thank You

All things work out for the good of those of love God - that's what I've been holding on to for the past few months. The one verse that allows me to shrug off things that would normally burst some arteries. 

I just want to thank God for the opportunity to give designing a real go. I've officially earned more money designing in a month than teaching. Granted, I only taught for two odd weeks for less-than-average pay, but I'm so much happier designing than standing in front of the classroom telling little kids who's who.

It struck me the other day that I'm living the dream, albeit in a warped, substandard sort of way. My day to day routine involves pictures (designing logos) and words (practicing for my IELTS test), which is what I'm about. Then I quickly realised that I need to dream bigger. Haha. Give me a book deal already.

April's looking to be pretty full-on. Here's to designing, teaching, learning, testing, living, breathing and Jesus.

Who Knew?

Who knew Bill Johnson was funny? Well, technically I did, because I saw him on Sunday and he knocked my socks off. Anyway, I picked up one of his books today. Center of the Universe delivers as the cover promised. It's a look at life from the lighter side.

Anyway, the book had me fighting back tears from the first page. Although the stories were absolutely hilarious, they offer real insights. Had I been at home and not on the train, I would be openly bawling. It speaks of dreams and how they're God birthed. It speaks of the things that are truly important. Things that matter in the light of eternity.

So what did learn today?

God loves me. He loves me so much that He helps me to remember that my personal triumphs doesn't define me. I should set my heart on the things that are eternal. For the past three weeks, I've been freaking out about my losing streak - I'm no longer in school. I'm jobless. And the only response I got from a prospective employer is a rejection letter. It's just been one dissapointment after another. Especially since I've just flunked an English test - the one subject that I'm relatively good at.

Despite all this, I can say Jesus is God. I am He says I am. I have what He says I have. I can do everything He says I can do. I can't see it now, but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that all things work out for the good of those who love Him. You'll see.

What to do?

Deja Vu

 

Time exists but just on your wrist, so don't panic
Moments last and lifetimes are lost in a day
So wind your watches down please
'Cos there is no time to lose

In another place, at another time, I was comforted by these words. They still have the same effect on me.

The Crazies

So I didn't keep to my New Year's resolution. I didn't write as much as I'd like to. Or I did. Perhaps the only reason why I haven't is because I don't feel like it. I guess it's a lot easier to talk to someone who understands than to try to find the words to express something I don't quite even understand myself.

It's been a tumultuous few months. I'm in Singapore. I'm jobless. And I don't quite figure out my next move. I've been on making lemonade out of the lemons that I've been dished - sending out job applications, designing logos - things that my hands find to do. I deliberately left out reading, watching the telly and other frivolous things because those are things I'd find time to do anyway. I don't know... I feel like I'm supposed to be moving on to more substantial things like chasing dreams and making things happen, but how? and what?

I can't say I've come to terms of the whole writing deal anyway. I place it up there with being creative (when I write, take pictures, draw, play the uke, sing and worship) and admiring people who are creative (when I watch the telly, read books, listen to my favourite songs and thank God for creation). That said, I've been looking at writing jobs. It's the one thing that I'm actually passionate about. Unless they started paying people for playing the ukelele badly - that is something I'm really good at.

On to more frivolous things... I'm absolutely in love with The Hunger Games series. They're my eighth through tenth favourite books of all times. Spots one through seven are occupied by the Harry Potter series. In order, because that's how I like to read them. Anyway, I haven't been this caught up with a book since Twilight, only not because I actually like the books. I just wanted the Edward-Bella, Bella-Jacob saga to end. It's like MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY! Plus, I don't like it it when people ruin the ending for me.

Right now, I can't get settled on a song - other than Safe and Sound, that is. I blame The Hunger Games. For the past five days, it's been back-to-back The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, Mocking Jay with the Safe and Sound on loop. Let's just say I was slightly obsessive - 'was' because I'm finished and until the movie on Thurs, I won't be revisiting Panem anytime soon. Good thing too, because it has been causing a certain amount of anxiety. That or my joblessness. Probably the latter.

So... That's everything that I care about in words. Or a big chunk of something. The part of me that throws words around hoping that they mean something to someone somewhere.